Dreams.

Everyone has some dream, some personal dream. Almost all of them are in some way associated with future. We all think of it. What's gonna happen, what we'll be doing for living. I just wanted to share some of my ideas with you.

In the recent years I had tons of ideas for my future. Do you know 'Nash Bridges' TV series? I got sucked into it years ago and back in that time I wanted to be a cop in SFPD. Then I watched some movie about FBI agent and from then I wanted to be one. In one moment "The OC" drama came into my life and because of it I decided to become a lawyer just like Sandy Cohen, one of the actors playing leading part in the show. After some time I started watching Top Gear automotive show produced by BBC. Try to guess who I wanted to be then... A motoring journalist.

It kept on going and going. Once I've watched something new, I automatically fell in love with it and wanted to become a main character in some way. But this was, it isn't anymore. It was a childhood, play. Right now things have changed. I have two plans for my future.

First I wanna say that I want to make a move. Now I live in Poland. I love my country, its atmosphere, people, way of being. But I feel like I want something new, something not touched by myself for any longer time. Right after my college I want to move to United States and try to start a life out there. You may ask why I want to do this. Well, definitely not because of any financial circumstances. I want to experience on my skin what this 'american way of being' means, I want to put into effect my 'american dream'. Most of my family lives in Massachusetts, one uncle in New Hampshire though, and I'd just like to continue this 'american line' of the family, I'd like to bring my name to USA (all of the family out there is from my mum's side). And also, United States as well as whole North America is a beautiful place, at least in the majority. Beautiful landscapes, open roads, nature. The same things are in Europe but those american are just different. And I want to find out how that difference feels like.

So, speaking of my plans, I have two of them like I've already said. First one is simple. Since I want to be a journalist (but not necessarily motoring one) I've always wanted to live in New York and at least try to get some internship for the good start in New York Times. If this doesn't work out so then I'll try to get a job in WNYC radio station or any other station all over New York metropolitan area. Polish journalism degree, just as any other, is widely recognized and highly valued in United States so I don't think there'll be some huge problem with getting a job. Of cource it's not gonna be easy but it's doable.

Another plan is this beautiful one. It's been my dream for such a long time but I never thought of making it real, even don't know why. A coffee shop. I've always wanted to own a small coffee shop around a corner in some small town. I just find it romantic, don't know why. Have you seen 'Feast Of Love'? A guy playing a leading role out there owns a small coffeehouse on the corner in some small town in Oregon. But it's not like it was that I watched some film and wanted to be just like the main character. I got this idea a long time before watching a movie. Anyway, it looks exactly the same as the one I'd like to have. Just beautiful. There's a small city of Keene in New Hampshire where I'd like to set it up. It's a walking distance from Swanzey where my uncle lives so I won't be completly alone out there. I'd love to rent a house, maybe buy, lease some location on the corner around downtown of Keene and just start. It wouldn't be big. It'd look like this one on the picture. Big windows, a cople of tables with chairs around them, wireless Internet (well, this is XXI century). I would hire two people I guess, maybe even one. I'd love to make a family atmosphere in my coffee shop. I don't want to make some huge money on it, my goal isn't making another Starbucks net. I just want it to be small, I want to have a friendly atmosphere in there, I want everyone to know each other. Just a small friendly coffee shop in a small friendly town. That's it.

But there is one side effect. I won't have my best friends next to me. And that's really hard to shoulder.

Friends.

Friends. Many of us can't imagine life without them. How would it be like to have no one around you when you really need this special someone? How would it be to not have anyone who you can talk with? who you can unbosom yourself to? have fun with? I've got no freaking idea.

I have this special someone. My best friend. Actually, it's a banch of friends. Best friends. We've all known each other for such a long time. I met one of them back in kindergarden times. Then, another one in first grade of Primary School. Do you know [Scrubs]? If you do, you also know what kind of friendship J.D. and Turk have. We have kinda' same thing with Jake, the one I met in Primary School. I won't reveal any further details because it's just to drastic. Then, another one I met in first grade of Junior High School, Middle School, however you wanna call it. And I came across the last one in first grade of High School. I don't want to reveal the names (apart from Jake's one 'cause I've already done it, sorry Jakie) but they know it's about them anyway, so it's actually unnececary. Thanks guys for being out there when I need you.

They say love is most important thing in life. That's true. Others say having friends is most important thing in life. Same, true. But, in my personal opinion, not having friends is the biggest cruelty that you can experience in your lifetime. It should be like this: you love someone and this someone is also your best friend that you can talk with about anything, anytime whether it's night or day, AM or PM, sunny or rainy. But imagine that something happened in your relationship, something wrong. You don't talk with each other. Don't see each other. You have your 'silent days'. What's then? You need a friend. Your best friend. And there it comes. You don't have him because you thought you got one automatically when you'd gotten involved in the relationship with this someone that you have 'silent days' with at the moment and can't talk to. That's damn interesting. And that is the reason why having friends is more important than being lucky in love. Simple enough.

Women in my life.

I have no idea what the hell is going on right now. I'm in trouble. Big trouble. I'll tell you what I mean a bit later on.

They say Venice is the most romantic place on earth. I agree. I've been there only once and it took place eight years ago. I was a kid, 8 y.o. It made a huge impression on myself and, I guess, influenced me a bit. In what way? Always when I think about Venice I have a strange warm feeling in my chest. I imagine myself walking down Piazza San Marco at sundown and just looking around. Maybe not just myself alone? Since Venice is a lovers' city I should have some wonderful girl right next to me. They're all wonderful. If you can't notice that, look deeper. You'll find it. God must've been a fucking genius.

I have two most important women in my life. First one is my friend, Agnes. Maybe she's even reading this right now, it's ok. I guess I never told her that before. What? The fact that she plays a huge role in my life. We'd known each other for a long time and we became a real friends around a year ago, back in the time when we both got into the same High School, the same class. I remember when I first called her. It was a summer breake before first grade in HS. I wanted to tell her I'm going to the same school that she is. She exploaded with happiness, laughter. She loved the fact that she won't be alone in new school with new people. I felt back then that it'll be a good, firm friendship. And so it is. Or was. I don't even know, I just can't specify what kind of role Agnes plays in my life. For sure she does. Pretty important one, that's for sure. And now, why did I say "or was"? Like I told you before, in the begining our friendship was great. We were hanging out, she was unbosoming herself to me. Now it's all like a bit faded, like it'd be behind some fog at this moment. We don't talk with each other that honestly, that openly, that frequently. I don't know what's going on and hope everything'll be alright. It will. I know it. She just has to know that she's got a friend in myself. Real friend. The one for good and bad. Do you know the song by James Taylor called "You've got a friend"? Lyrics will tell you everything.

And now, answer to the big one. What is that trouble? I told you I have two most important women in my life. Now it's time for a second one. Her name's Ada. I fell in love with her some time ago, even don't know when exactly. I guess no one knows when one fell in love. It just happened. When? Who cares... I was wondering if it's a good idea to talk with Ada about what I feel, what she feels. We were, pardone, we are great friends and that was the main reason why I was afraid to talk to her. I didn't want to smash it. Our friendship. But finally I gave it a try. It was a last day in school, right before summer break. In the afternoon I took her to the park. We sat on the banch and started talking. First I asked her if she knows what I want to talk about. She replayed no and gave me a mysterious but damn sweet smile. Then I started my lecture about what I feel, how it looks like for me. I was looking straight ahead of me, too afraid to look into her eyes. Coward? Yes. In the end of my talking I felt upcoming wave of braveness and finally looked into her eyes. I was scared of what I'm gonna see there. Doubt? Dejection? Sadness? No, I saw none of them. I saw joy, smile. She was pretty confused. I never saw a smile that beautiful. I didn't know what to say, but she did a work instead of me. She started talking. She said she wasn't expecting such confession from myself but she appreciates my braveness. She was actually impressed with it. It wasn't easy to come out like this. She also said it's not that simple. She wanted to be ok with herself and myself, wanted to be honest and real. "If one doesn't feel the same thing that another feels towards him, it's not worth lasting". I agreed. I don't want to go to the details of this conversation because it lasted like for, I don't know, half an hour. You know, I'm mostly proud of one thing. I didn't tell her the most important thing. Simple thing. Beautiful thing. Love. I foresaw her answer and realized I can't tell her that. Just can't. It'd be damn hard then to get back on the level we were on before the conversation. And again, you know what? I really liked her answer. I loved the fact that she was so honest, so true. If she had told me "okey, let's try" I'd have known that it's a bullshit. Now, I know what's going on. Or, do I?

Do you know what's worst? I love her still. I'm confused. And this is the trouble.

Let's start.

So let's begin all this somehow. You know what my name is. You know what I'm like. Or not. And that's a tricky one. I want you to learn about myself as much as you can just by reading this blog and being updated. I don't know what I'll be posting here. Or I do. Sometimes when I walk down the street I have kind of slide show of problems in my mind and I'd like to share this view with you. If there is something new coming, I'll post it right here.