Monday, July 21, 2008
Women in my life.
I have no idea what the hell is going on right now. I'm in trouble. Big trouble. I'll tell you what I mean a bit later on.
They say Venice is the most romantic place on earth. I agree. I've been there only once and it took place eight years ago. I was a kid, 8 y.o. It made a huge impression on myself and, I guess, influenced me a bit. In what way? Always when I think about Venice I have a strange warm feeling in my chest. I imagine myself walking down Piazza San Marco at sundown and just looking around. Maybe not just myself alone? Since Venice is a lovers' city I should have some wonderful girl right next to me. They're all wonderful. If you can't notice that, look deeper. You'll find it. God must've been a fucking genius.
I have two most important women in my life. First one is my friend, Agnes. Maybe she's even reading this right now, it's ok. I guess I never told her that before. What? The fact that she plays a huge role in my life. We'd known each other for a long time and we became a real friends around a year ago, back in the time when we both got into the same High School, the same class. I remember when I first called her. It was a summer breake before first grade in HS. I wanted to tell her I'm going to the same school that she is. She exploaded with happiness, laughter. She loved the fact that she won't be alone in new school with new people. I felt back then that it'll be a good, firm friendship. And so it is. Or was. I don't even know, I just can't specify what kind of role Agnes plays in my life. For sure she does. Pretty important one, that's for sure. And now, why did I say "or was"? Like I told you before, in the begining our friendship was great. We were hanging out, she was unbosoming herself to me. Now it's all like a bit faded, like it'd be behind some fog at this moment. We don't talk with each other that honestly, that openly, that frequently. I don't know what's going on and hope everything'll be alright. It will. I know it. She just has to know that she's got a friend in myself. Real friend. The one for good and bad. Do you know the song by James Taylor called "You've got a friend"? Lyrics will tell you everything.
And now, answer to the big one. What is that trouble? I told you I have two most important women in my life. Now it's time for a second one. Her name's Ada. I fell in love with her some time ago, even don't know when exactly. I guess no one knows when one fell in love. It just happened. When? Who cares... I was wondering if it's a good idea to talk with Ada about what I feel, what she feels. We were, pardone, we are great friends and that was the main reason why I was afraid to talk to her. I didn't want to smash it. Our friendship. But finally I gave it a try. It was a last day in school, right before summer break. In the afternoon I took her to the park. We sat on the banch and started talking. First I asked her if she knows what I want to talk about. She replayed no and gave me a mysterious but damn sweet smile. Then I started my lecture about what I feel, how it looks like for me. I was looking straight ahead of me, too afraid to look into her eyes. Coward? Yes. In the end of my talking I felt upcoming wave of braveness and finally looked into her eyes. I was scared of what I'm gonna see there. Doubt? Dejection? Sadness? No, I saw none of them. I saw joy, smile. She was pretty confused. I never saw a smile that beautiful. I didn't know what to say, but she did a work instead of me. She started talking. She said she wasn't expecting such confession from myself but she appreciates my braveness. She was actually impressed with it. It wasn't easy to come out like this. She also said it's not that simple. She wanted to be ok with herself and myself, wanted to be honest and real. "If one doesn't feel the same thing that another feels towards him, it's not worth lasting". I agreed. I don't want to go to the details of this conversation because it lasted like for, I don't know, half an hour. You know, I'm mostly proud of one thing. I didn't tell her the most important thing. Simple thing. Beautiful thing. Love. I foresaw her answer and realized I can't tell her that. Just can't. It'd be damn hard then to get back on the level we were on before the conversation. And again, you know what? I really liked her answer. I loved the fact that she was so honest, so true. If she had told me "okey, let's try" I'd have known that it's a bullshit. Now, I know what's going on. Or, do I?
Do you know what's worst? I love her still. I'm confused. And this is the trouble.