Saturday, November 1, 2008

Men of (all) Year(s)

Barack Obama is a phenomenon. In the beginning of the campaign in 2007 nobody really thought he's gonna be that successful during next two years. And there you go. A miracle happened. Thanks God. And I warn you, this text is very subjective ;)

George W. Bush was a change. He's been elected right after Bill Clinton, Democrat. W. is a Republican. Everybody thought we're gonna have a change but nobody knew whether it'll be a change for better or worse. It came out that it was a change for worse. Bush now is considered as one of the worst presidents of the United States, if not the worst one. I can remember his speech a day after 9/11, when he visited Ground Zero and was standing in beige jacket and blue baseball cap and talking about fighting terrorism. Back then everybody loved him. Back then he was considered the kind of father of the nation. But right after that he made the biggest mistake he could've ever done. He entered Iraq.

But his problem is not only the Iraq war. Number of his failed polices and failures at all is enormous. Whole world changed the point of view about America just because of the way George W. Bush and his administration were reigning. They lost respect towards USA. It's sad, fucking pissing off, but sad. 

Right now John McCain is trying to convince Americans that Bush was a good guy. Well, I haven't met him in person, maybe he is a good guy, but definitely not in Washington. McCain wants to continue those eight failed years and give us at least another four of them. But, actually, recently Republican candidate said he wanted to remind us he was not a Bush. Right now he tries to tell us he's not that much into, we can say, already former president. This is a typical beginning of the panic. 

Everybody knows that choosing a right running mate is as important in the campaign as getting the right attitude throughout whole campaign. Obama's chosen Joe Biden, a former candidate for 2008 elections and current senator. That's the guy with values, right for being a vice president of the wealthiest country in the world. 

John McCain's chosen Sarah Palin. In the beginning it seemed it was the best idea to get out of this campaign malaise because Sarah is a woman. As she's a female candidate, John thought he's gonna get thousands of votes from undecided women. Wrong. Now he already knows that choosing her was a great mistake. Unfortunately for him, fortunately for Obama.

So why Barack Obama? Why he's right for all this? He's got a charisma and, in my personal opinion, this is the most important thing that the president should have. The way he leads his speeches, the way he draws a crowd with them is just spectacular. He keeps on talking about change, Change We Can Believe In. Some may say that it's some empty saying, that it's just some campaign bullshit. But it's not. He's the kinda' guy that you trust automatically. I've got no idea how it works but when you listen to him, you just believe in this what he's saying. He's real and this is his strongest weapon.

Three days left. I believe in him. Me, millions of Americans and millions of people all over the world. "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things" - The Shawshank Redemption

P.S: The girl I mentioned about before will be a topic of the next post.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The End (?)

The guy up there is looking for something. I guess he hasn't found it yet. So haven't I.

You've heard about my doubts about me and Natalie. Well, I don't think it's got any prospective future. There has to be a respect in relationship, friendship and other kinds of 'ships. There isn't one in this what we've got with Natalie. Do we have anything? We know each other. We meet with each other. I don't know if there's something more. I always take things like that seriously... By saying 'things like that' I mean that when I meet a girl and something starts to happen between us I always take it seriously. I try, try a lot. But if the other side doesn't give a shit about it, so don't I. Simple enough. And that's exactly what's happening right now. Sad. And about love I mentioned before on my blog... In this case I probably overreacted. If it really was love, I wouldn't be saying things I'm saying right now... I don't know, I've got no fucking idea. We'll see.

Besides, I met someone. But she'll be the topic of the next post. 

Friday, October 17, 2008

Disappointment (?)

The guy above is disappointed 'cause he didn't get the shit on the lottery. I'm disappointed too. Why? Here's why.

You all know Natalie, don't you? I told ya about our great moments in the bus on the way back from France and about the feelings I've got towards her. But now I've realized something. Something that's not good. 

She wants me to slow down, well, I told you about it some time ago anyway. That's a thing I can understand but there's also one thing else. 

I guess you know what kind of approach I have towards women. If not, go back to "Women In My Life" post and find out. I'm romantic, damn romantic. I've always thought that it's a good thing, that most of girls like romantic and sensitive men. Exactly, "most of the girls". Natalie is this "rest of them". The best thing that could visualize what I'm talking about is the fact that she hates the moments when I give her some flowers. I've always thought flowers and beautiful women are just a complacements for each other, but apparently it doesn't work like this all the time.

But all this is not a problem. I mean, I can't change my attitude to her because it's just a way I behave all the time and I can't change my whole character. It's impossible. But the thing I'm really worried about is, exactly, our characters. They're different from each other. Very different. Some say contrasts attract themselves. I hope it'll work like this in my case. In addition, she doesn't want me to take this relationship of ours too seriously. I guess she just wants to play, have fun with someone new. But it's not enough, at least for me. It's really hard for me to see what exactly she wants, what kind of expectations she's got. 

Right now I'm really afraid of loosing her. But what can I do? I can't change myself onto someone that I'm not. 

Maybe you've got some ideas? My idea is a conversation. Simple thing, simple enough. I'm gonna talk with her, ask her about her views on this relationship.

What do you think?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Can I love you today?

How true this is...

Monday, October 13, 2008


For a longer time now I've wanted to say something, something damn important. I just can't wait until I do it, say it. I guess you know what words I'm talking about. 

But I can't do it to early... And to late. That's hard.

And there's a second thing. I gotta be sure. Am I? Yes. Because if I wasn't sure, would I be so confused? So worried about the situation I mentioned about in last post? I guess not.

So the confession above, engraved on the tree bark is real. And true. I love you. And I'll tell you that soon. I promise. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


I think a lot. About anything. Every thing. But now there's only one thing that I contemplate about. Natalie.

I can't remember when was the last time I loved someone that much, after such short time. Every time I see her I wanna kiss her as much as I can, I wanna hug her for as long as I can. She gave me some beautiful big teddy bear that she'd slept with the night before my birthday party. He still smells just like her. But something wrong happened.

I told ya I love kissing and hugging Natalie. In fact, she doesn't like it as much as I do. She told me yesterday that I'd gotten used to all this and it starts to piss her off a little bit. I didn't know what to say, I mean, I thought everything is just fine, that it's ok with her when I kiss her. She had never told me that before and I had no idea something's wrong. It all confused me so much that I had to do anything that could've explained the situation as fast as it was possible. First, I wrote a long, long text message saying how precious she is to me, how much she means to me and that I don't want to loose her. She replied that everything is fine. 

I hope she said something like that just because she doesn't want me to hurry up too much. I hope that's the only cause of all this. Loosing her would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. 

"You know people when you do find somebody, hold that woman, hold 
that man, love him, hold him, squeeze her, please her, hold, squeeze 
and please that person, give 'em all your love, signify your feelings 
with every gentle caress, because it's so important to have the 
special somebody to hold, kiss, miss, squeeze, and please" - Blues Brothers

Monday, October 6, 2008


Originally uploaded by wazari
I guess I have an answer. Finally.
The question was if I love her.

Yup, I do. And I'm smiling right now. All the time.

"But remember, love is a tricky one. Never even try to force it."


Thursday, September 18, 2008


Son of a... I really do feel something to her. Something strong. Damn strong. 

Always when I look into her dark and mysterious brown eyes I try to get deeper and deeper. Always when I look at her I have a huge willingness to kiss her wonderful lips. Always when I'm alone I think of her cute smile...

I guess you know what it all might mean. 

Am I in love? That's a tough one.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


Recently I've met someone. Her name's Natalie.

A few days ago I came back from my greatest trip ever - Cote d'Azure, Southern France. I've seen some beautiful landscapes, majestic views, met wonderful people. Three of them I met really closely - our two drivers, Edward and Jurek and our guide, Poli. We've lived some amazing moments together, boned with each other so much that it was damn hard to say goodbye. I don't know if I'm gonna see Edward and Jurek ever again, but we're meeting with Poli next month. I just can't wait... She changed us, changed the way we think, the way we behave in some life situations. She really was our guide, life guide. Thanks Poli so much. You're our Big Sister ;)

OK, so what do I mean by naming this post "chance"? In the beginning I mentioned about a girl called Natalie. But first, do you remember when I wrote about my thing with Ada? That I'm still in love with her? Natalie is a chance. A chance to forget. I gotta tell you how it all started.

Actually, we started talking with each other just a day before departure out of France. But that was just talking, nothing serious. While we were on the bus and there was the nightfall coming, I sat right next to her. We started talking. I noticed that we're getting closer to each other, not only in physical way, but emotional too. We were sitting and talking about hell knows what, actually... It was some kind of flirting, innocent bantering, chaffing. Beautiful. We were getting closer to each other each second, each minute. Finally, the night came. She was tired of whole day spent in the bus and wanted to sleep for some time. I was sitting next to the window so she offered that she's gonna lay on my knees. I obviously said yes. And so she did. It was around 12:30 am. It was dark outside, there was a silence inside and I hugged her. We were somewhere in Italy. I proposed I'm gonna sing her some lullaby. And that's exactly what I did. It was "Seven Spanish Angels", and then "Hallelujah". I guess I also sang something by Jack Johnson, e.g. "Better Together" and "Do you remember?". Actually, she didn't fall asleep, but her face with beautiful, but closed eyes was so damn sweet that even I couldn't have dropped off. We were lying, I mean she was lying and I was sitting, like this for about two hours after which we... Started talking. Again. It was about 2 am in the morning. Talking about what? I even can't remember. I guess it was some chaffing, flirting, conversation about nothing. They're the best ones. Guess for how long it lasted? Until around 5:30. It was probably the longest dialogue I've ever had with anyone.
We woke up at 8 at some gas station next to the highway. We were in Austria. We've visited Vienna and spent there around 4 hours. Waste of time, actually. It was Sunday, 8:30 am, 3 degrees Celsius, nobody on the streets. Nobody but us. But never mine, what was next was the best. It was 7 pm. She started feeling sad about end of our trip. I was comforting her, hugging. I even kissed her in her cheek. It was a beautiful moment. She was crying. She lied her head on my shoulder. We were sitting like this for about 10 minutes until we got to our destination.
While we were saying goodbye, I kissed her cheek, hugged her and kissed her forehead. I looked deep into her eyes and said "Everything's gonna be alright". 

We're meeting on Friday. She'd had a boyfriend but she broke up with him yesterday. Do I want to do something? Definitely yes. 

But there's one another thing. In the photo you can see Rachel and Ross. For sure you know what was the story about them in Friends. They always loved each other, since beginning to the end. For greatest part of time they were not together, they were trying to be with someone else, but they always loved each other. They were best friends and automatically best lovers for themselves. How it all ended? They got together in the end of the story. Ross was trying to forget about Rachel as a lover, to get over... But finally happened what was supposed to happen. 

Is Natalie a way to forget about Ada? If it is, is it gonna be a successful way? I hope so. I feel something to her, something strong. I really want it to work out. "If you want something to work, it will". Damn true. 

Monday, August 18, 2008

Good Ol' Beauty.

I've just read an article about old cars in Top Gear Magazine written by James May and yes, I agree absolutely. Having an old car is nothing like having a brand new one. It's better. 

Having a new car is like having a brand new set of bathroom furniture - they're all smooth, pretty, good looking and well working. They satisfy you because they work in the way you want them to. But there is one problem - they're all completely deprived of soul. Some say that some fancy ass sports cars have a soul because they sound differently, drive differently and feel differently. But let me tell you something, my friend - they're just the same as any other new car I know. Do you know why? Because 'having a soul' is something in the way different than being different. It's about experience. 

And there we come to the old cars. Experience is a factor here. If the car is twenty years old, you can definitely say that it's got a soul. That it's experienced. Do you know why? Because it's got 200k miles on the dial and you're the only person in the world who knows how to set a sit in your car in order to stop this rambling around and dancing on the floor every time you try to take a corner. It's beautiful. You look on your car's headlamps and you can see in them how many millions of landscapes they have seen. You look on the steering wheel and wonder how many millions of corners it has made. You look on the passenger's sit with a huge black/brown stain on the upholstery and you try to imagine a previous owner going to McDonald's, ordering a cup of coffee, putting it on the passenger's sit and then you see a cup falling over and a coffee pouring away. You look on the gear lever and wonder how many times it's been moved. Each morning you wake up and you're just amazed of the fact that your car is still working! After some time you get so familiar with an old car you own that I can even bet $100 on the fact that any other person who's going to try to at least move my car, is not gonna be able to do it. No way. 

Some owners of brand new cars may say "if you guys had more money and could afford a new car, you would buy it". Bullshit. And by the way, our cars are sometimes in the way more expensive than yours. We, "ol' guys", love old cars and are not gonna change them on any new, safe, good lookin' Merc or whatsoever. You don't understand it? We do. You can't.

© PHOTO BY tangerined, FLICKR.COM

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Happiness is enjoying the sunset together.

I just thought it'd be a great attachment to my previous post :)

Saturday, August 16, 2008


Wersja POLSKA ponizej.

As you probably can see I've broken one of my key rules on my blog. Black And White looks. But this picture and mostly colors of it were too beautiful and true to simply convert it into B&W photo. 

Actually, there is another key rule that I've broken just a seconds ago. I wrote something in other language than English. I did it especially for my dear friend Marta who asked me to write one post in our native language which is Polish. And so I did. The reason I write all this in English is one simple fact. Accessibility. The ease of understanding. Since English is the most well-known language in the world I wanted to give an opportunity to everyone to get what I meant while writing my new thought. That's it.

So now let's go to the topic of this post. Happiness. Some of them have it, some not. Some of them are always happy, some have never felt this way. Some of them find it, some have never come across it. Some of them run for it, some even don't want it. Some of them know what it is, some not. 

Why am I writing about happiness anyway? I recently watched a phenomenal movie 'The Pursuit of Happyness' and I just couldn't resist. Right after watching I wanted to go to my keyboard and start tapping but I was just too tired. This has to be the second (after 'Shawshank Redemption') film at the end of which I dropped a few tears. And yes, I'm the kinda' guy who, sometimes!, cries in the cinema. [(...)I'm the kinda' guy who laughs at the funeral(...)]. Anyway, this was one of the happiest movie moments that I've ever seen before. When Chris finally finds his happiness, in this case happYness. But he wasn't just looking for it, he was running for it. Pursuing it. Finally it let him get it.

And what is a happiness for me? Am I happy?

Happiness is a state of mind when everything is just the way it's supposed to be. Even though at first it may seem like it's not like that, after a short time you realize that everything's just right and a smile comes on your face. You sit on the bench in park or in the garden with a glass of juice in your hand. You're happy. After all you realize that you live in the country that is not tainted by war and it's free, you've got a wonderful friends who sometimes piss you off but the fact that you've got them is one of the best things that ever happened to you, you've got a job or working parents, so poverty is not the thing that you have to deal with, you've got a loving family, you're healthy and there are cool people around you. And you've got this glass of juice in your hand. And you know what? I'm happy.


Friday, August 15, 2008

Szczescie. HappYness.

English version above.
Postanowilem napisac jeden post po polsku specjalnie na zyczenie mojej przyjaciolki Marty. Moze najpierw wytlumacze dlaczego pisze mojego bloga nie w rodzimym jezyku, tylko w angielskim. Chce, aby blog byl dostepny dla kazdego, kto sie nim zainteresuje, ktory przypadkiem na niego wpadnie, albo ktoremu sie nudzi. Nie chce stwarzac zadnych barier jezykowych, ktore moglyby sprawic, ze moja grupa odbiorcow bylaby ograniczona. Jestem przywiazany do zarowno jezyka polskiego jak i do Polski, ale angielski daje duzo wiecej mozliwosci. To moze tyle slowem wstepu.
No to teraz temat mojego postu. Szczescie. Niektorze je maja, niektorzy nie. Niektorzy od poczatku sa szczesliwi, niektorzy nigdy szczescia nie zaznaja. Niektorzy je znajduja, niekorzy niegdy sie na nie nie natykaja. Niektorzy za nim biegna, niektorzy nawet go nie chca. Jest wiele wariacji na ten temat. Niektorzy wiedza czym jest, niektorzy nie. 
Dlaczego pisze o szczesciu? Niedawno obejrzalem fenomenalny film 'Pursuit of Happyness' i nie moglem sie opanowac. Zaraz po seansie mialem ochote doskoczyc do klawiatury i od razu zaczac stukac, ale zmeczenie wzielo gore. To byl drugi (po 'Shawshank Redemption') film, na koncu ktorego polecialo pare lez. Moment ten byl jednym z najszczesliwszych momentow filmowych na jakie mialem okazje patrzec. Kiedy Chrisowi w koncu udaje sie znalezc szczescie. Ale on go nie tylko szukal, on za nim biegl. Scigal je. W koncu dalo sie zlapac.
A czym jest szczescie dla mnie? Jaki to jest stan? Czy jestem szczesliwy?

Szczescie jest stanem ducha, w ktorym wszystko jest tak jak byc powinno. Nawet jesli poczatkowo wydaje sie byc inaczej, po krotkim zastanowieniu dochodzisz do wniosku, ze przeciez wszystko jest ok i usmiech pojawia Ci sie na twarzy. Siedzisz na lawce w parku albo na dzialkuni ze szklanka soku w rece. Jestes szczesliwy. Przeciez mieszkasz w kraju, ktory jest wolny i nie zbrukany wojna, masz wspanialych przyjaciol, ktorzy czasem Cie denerwuja, ale fakt, ze ich masz jest jedna z najlepszych rzeczy jaka kiedykolwiek Ci sie przytrafila, masz prace, czy tez pracujacych rodzicow, wiec bieda Cie nie dotknie, wlasnie, masz kochajaca rodzine, jestes zdrowy, otaczaja Cie fajni ludzie. No i masz te szklanke soku w dloni. I wiesz co? Jestem szczesliwy.  


Tuesday, July 29, 2008


Everyone has some dream, some personal dream. Almost all of them are in some way associated with future. We all think of it. What's gonna happen, what we'll be doing for living. I just wanted to share some of my ideas with you.

In the recent years I had tons of ideas for my future. Do you know 'Nash Bridges' TV series? I got sucked into it years ago and back in that time I wanted to be a cop in SFPD. Then I watched some movie about FBI agent and from then I wanted to be one. In one moment "The OC" drama came into my life and because of it I decided to become a lawyer just like Sandy Cohen, one of the actors playing leading part in the show. After some time I started watching Top Gear automotive show produced by BBC. Try to guess who I wanted to be then... A motoring journalist.

It kept on going and going. Once I've watched something new, I automatically fell in love with it and wanted to become a main character in some way. But this was, it isn't anymore. It was a childhood, play. Right now things have changed. I have two plans for my future.

First I wanna say that I want to make a move. Now I live in Poland. I love my country, its atmosphere, people, way of being. But I feel like I want something new, something not touched by myself for any longer time. Right after my college I want to move to United States and try to start a life out there. You may ask why I want to do this. Well, definitely not because of any financial circumstances. I want to experience on my skin what this 'american way of being' means, I want to put into effect my 'american dream'. Most of my family lives in Massachusetts, one uncle in New Hampshire though, and I'd just like to continue this 'american line' of the family, I'd like to bring my name to USA (all of the family out there is from my mum's side). And also, United States as well as whole North America is a beautiful place, at least in the majority. Beautiful landscapes, open roads, nature. The same things are in Europe but those american are just different. And I want to find out how that difference feels like.

So, speaking of my plans, I have two of them like I've already said. First one is simple. Since I want to be a journalist (but not necessarily motoring one) I've always wanted to live in New York and at least try to get some internship for the good start in New York Times. If this doesn't work out so then I'll try to get a job in WNYC radio station or any other station all over New York metropolitan area. Polish journalism degree, just as any other, is widely recognized and highly valued in United States so I don't think there'll be some huge problem with getting a job. Of cource it's not gonna be easy but it's doable.

Another plan is this beautiful one. It's been my dream for such a long time but I never thought of making it real, even don't know why. A coffee shop. I've always wanted to own a small coffee shop around a corner in some small town. I just find it romantic, don't know why. Have you seen 'Feast Of Love'? A guy playing a leading role out there owns a small coffeehouse on the corner in some small town in Oregon. But it's not like it was that I watched some film and wanted to be just like the main character. I got this idea a long time before watching a movie. Anyway, it looks exactly the same as the one I'd like to have. Just beautiful. There's a small city of Keene in New Hampshire where I'd like to set it up. It's a walking distance from Swanzey where my uncle lives so I won't be completly alone out there. I'd love to rent a house, maybe buy, lease some location on the corner around downtown of Keene and just start. It wouldn't be big. It'd look like this one on the picture. Big windows, a cople of tables with chairs around them, wireless Internet (well, this is XXI century). I would hire two people I guess, maybe even one. I'd love to make a family atmosphere in my coffee shop. I don't want to make some huge money on it, my goal isn't making another Starbucks net. I just want it to be small, I want to have a friendly atmosphere in there, I want everyone to know each other. Just a small friendly coffee shop in a small friendly town. That's it.
But there is one side effect. I won't have my best friends next to me. And that's really hard to shoulder.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


Friends. Many of us can't imagine life without them. How would it be like to have no one around you when you really need this special someone? How would it be to not have anyone who you can talk with? who you can unbosom yourself to? have fun with? I've got no freaking idea.

I have this special someone. My best friend. Actually, it's a banch of friends. Best friends. We've all known each other for such a long time. I met one of them back in kindergarden times. Then, another one in first grade of Primary School. Do you know [Scrubs]? If you do, you also know what kind of friendship J.D. and Turk have. We have kinda' same thing with Jake, the one I met in Primary School. I won't reveal any further details because it's just to drastic. Then, another one I met in first grade of Junior High School, Middle School, however you wanna call it. And I came across the last one in first grade of High School. I don't want to reveal the names (apart from Jake's one 'cause I've already done it, sorry Jakie) but they know it's about them anyway, so it's actually unnececary. Thanks guys for being out there when I need you.

They say love is most important thing in life. That's true. Others say having friends is most important thing in life. Same, true. But, in my personal opinion, not having friends is the biggest cruelty that you can experience in your lifetime. It should be like this: you love someone and this someone is also your best friend that you can talk with about anything, anytime whether it's night or day, AM or PM, sunny or rainy. But imagine that something happened in your relationship, something wrong. You don't talk with each other. Don't see each other. You have your 'silent days'. What's then? You need a friend. Your best friend. And there it comes. You don't have him because you thought you got one automatically when you'd gotten involved in the relationship with this someone that you have 'silent days' with at the moment and can't talk to. That's damn interesting. And that is the reason why having friends is more important than being lucky in love. Simple enough.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Women in my life.

I have no idea what the hell is going on right now. I'm in trouble. Big trouble. I'll tell you what I mean a bit later on.

They say Venice is the most romantic place on earth. I agree. I've been there only once and it took place eight years ago. I was a kid, 8 y.o. It made a huge impression on myself and, I guess, influenced me a bit. In what way? Always when I think about Venice I have a strange warm feeling in my chest. I imagine myself walking down Piazza San Marco at sundown and just looking around. Maybe not just myself alone? Since Venice is a lovers' city I should have some wonderful girl right next to me. They're all wonderful. If you can't notice that, look deeper. You'll find it. God must've been a fucking genius.

I have two most important women in my life. First one is my friend, Agnes. Maybe she's even reading this right now, it's ok. I guess I never told her that before. What? The fact that she plays a huge role in my life. We'd known each other for a long time and we became a real friends around a year ago, back in the time when we both got into the same High School, the same class. I remember when I first called her. It was a summer breake before first grade in HS. I wanted to tell her I'm going to the same school that she is. She exploaded with happiness, laughter. She loved the fact that she won't be alone in new school with new people. I felt back then that it'll be a good, firm friendship. And so it is. Or was. I don't even know, I just can't specify what kind of role Agnes plays in my life. For sure she does. Pretty important one, that's for sure. And now, why did I say "or was"? Like I told you before, in the begining our friendship was great. We were hanging out, she was unbosoming herself to me. Now it's all like a bit faded, like it'd be behind some fog at this moment. We don't talk with each other that honestly, that openly, that frequently. I don't know what's going on and hope everything'll be alright. It will. I know it. She just has to know that she's got a friend in myself. Real friend. The one for good and bad. Do you know the song by James Taylor called "You've got a friend"? Lyrics will tell you everything.

And now, answer to the big one. What is that trouble? I told you I have two most important women in my life. Now it's time for a second one. Her name's Ada. I fell in love with her some time ago, even don't know when exactly. I guess no one knows when one fell in love. It just happened. When? Who cares... I was wondering if it's a good idea to talk with Ada about what I feel, what she feels. We were, pardone, we are great friends and that was the main reason why I was afraid to talk to her. I didn't want to smash it. Our friendship. But finally I gave it a try. It was a last day in school, right before summer break. In the afternoon I took her to the park. We sat on the banch and started talking. First I asked her if she knows what I want to talk about. She replayed no and gave me a mysterious but damn sweet smile. Then I started my lecture about what I feel, how it looks like for me. I was looking straight ahead of me, too afraid to look into her eyes. Coward? Yes. In the end of my talking I felt upcoming wave of braveness and finally looked into her eyes. I was scared of what I'm gonna see there. Doubt? Dejection? Sadness? No, I saw none of them. I saw joy, smile. She was pretty confused. I never saw a smile that beautiful. I didn't know what to say, but she did a work instead of me. She started talking. She said she wasn't expecting such confession from myself but she appreciates my braveness. She was actually impressed with it. It wasn't easy to come out like this. She also said it's not that simple. She wanted to be ok with herself and myself, wanted to be honest and real. "If one doesn't feel the same thing that another feels towards him, it's not worth lasting". I agreed. I don't want to go to the details of this conversation because it lasted like for, I don't know, half an hour. You know, I'm mostly proud of one thing. I didn't tell her the most important thing. Simple thing. Beautiful thing. Love. I foresaw her answer and realized I can't tell her that. Just can't. It'd be damn hard then to get back on the level we were on before the conversation. And again, you know what? I really liked her answer. I loved the fact that she was so honest, so true. If she had told me "okey, let's try" I'd have known that it's a bullshit. Now, I know what's going on. Or, do I?

Do you know what's worst? I love her still. I'm confused. And this is the trouble.

Let's start.

So let's begin all this somehow. You know what my name is. You know what I'm like. Or not. And that's a tricky one. I want you to learn about myself as much as you can just by reading this blog and being updated. I don't know what I'll be posting here. Or I do. Sometimes when I walk down the street I have kind of slide show of problems in my mind and I'd like to share this view with you. If there is something new coming, I'll post it right here.